Another day

You ever feel like you avoid or improve on one thing only to regress on another to take its place?

That would be me now...

Sure, I've been strong on tackling my selfish lust, but my procrastonation is as bad as ever. Ever notice how when you're working diligently on something, the time just creeps by, but when I'm in the udder mindlessness of watching television or playing a videogame time jumps to a lightspeed blur. It's ironic... I feel like I can focus on one of my vices endlessly, but when it comes to doing something that's needed, my mind jumps around and pulls me away from the task at hand. It's almost like I relish failure on some strange level.

The weight behind my eyes feels neverending. (Sigh) I guess I'll chip away at it a little more.

Everything has a beginning

As I neurotically look down at my arms I wonder, once again, how I've done this.

Thank goodness for the anonymousness of the internet... a place where I can be in public, and yet still alone. It's the same way that I feel in the city.

Creed's right... "What controls your mind really DOES control your life." I see myself as one in a vicious cycle of addiction and desperation. No... I'm not addicted to drugs. And no, I'm a relatively light alcohol user (for a senior in college). But I am addicted to those two thing that are so freely available. Superficial lust (including the wet sock or napkin) and endless procrastonation.

The two support each other in a seemingly endless downward spiral. When I'm bothered by another missed assignment, and the nerviousness that comes with an unprepared class, I can't seem to find solice in much else, but materbation and easy internet voyuering. And yet it hurts... I've been dealing with my problems in this way for years, and every time it feels like a piece of my soul and innocence is gone forever.

I have never told anyone this, and these aren't my only addictions... I'm totally obsesive when it comes to videogaming. I start playing one and suddenly 3 hours have been spent on udder nonsense.

I don't know if it will succeed or not, but now that that is out there I'm going to try to fight my addictions. I don't want to be sitting in my room past age 22 dreaming about rough sex and wishing that I hadn't put off another paper or report (sometimes beyond the deadline). No.

Maybe I would- though maybe I wouldn't- talk with my parents for their help with all this if they were still alive. But I do know that this has got to stop and I can't do it alone. I've stopped and started so many times that I am starting to empathize with smokers, alcohol and drug addicts.

But since they aren't here... I've got to work through this on my own.

But perhaps I'm not totally alone. Call me naive, but I have a sincere (though occasionally faultering) faith in God and a perfect man, in Jesus. Though I pray for Him to take my faults and transform them, it sometimes feels futile. Maybe my dead parents and brother are with me in some metaphysical realm really are wispering in my ear and giving me strength the fight off my demons and shine again. And yet, without them it sure is lonely... I may be just wishing for an unattainable fantasy.

I'll be praying... and I'll start digging myself out of this academic and lusty abyss. I don't know just how long I'll keep up this journal, but to start... I'll be using it as my outlet for the darkness that I bottle up inside. And also maybe as a record of the climb ahead-in all it's ascents and stumbles.

Vaya con Dios